At times I feel I have been living two lives. My life at work that has been distressing, traumatic, fraught with anxiety, fear with poignant moments of human fragility being so clear to see. Then life at home which has been so full of learning and growth with opportunity to just slow down, feel and listen to myself. Just having the time to really think things through. I have had the opportunity to do some awesome on line courses and learning this year including the ones shared here. I have loved all that I have learned.
I am not going to lie, working with covid has beaten me, I have not found it easy at all but it’s also taught me to slow down, not to rush. At times I have felt so confused but it’s also taught me to have the courage to have faith and trust. I have struggled with feelings and emotions at times. Normally known for being a calming influence I have been surprised to find myself in a place of anger. I have been surprised at just how much I have needed to express what I am feeling and experiencing and surprised at just how much support I have needed to work through this past year, I am so grateful to have had that support I don’t know where I would have been without it.
There have been some days that I have struggled being part of this world and it’s brokenness. The year when I witnessed our humanity carved up into a series of hashtags. The elements of my why “so that others feel understood, heard and loved unconditionally” has been a challenge. The problem isn’t that people have different views from me, it isn’t that I don’t see their pain, anger or frustration it’s the disregard for human life that gets me, that makes me angry. We can’t be fighting for human rights whilst at the same time taking the right to be well away from the most vulnerable people in our society. It’s the viewpoints that are putting people at risk when all we are trying to do is care. I recently read a book called The Heartfulness Way, the writers say that our problems in the world our quite simple that there is a lack of love, compassion and tolerance between humans, until we have peace in our hearts there will be no peace around them, there will always be a reason to fight and argue, I do see that.
I have always been grounded I always knew what was important and what wasn’t but working with covid has really grounded that view for me, In fact I need even less of what I thought I did and more of what I have been trying to avoid. Who knew life could be so simple. From the moment I witnessed the death of someone with covid I knew the pandemic was about our humanity and what we needed to survive and thrive whilst we are here on earth. As much as working frontline in the pandemic as been difficult I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else knowing I had the right knowledge and skills. I’m sure it’s impact and all I’ve learned will be with me forever.