A childless mother

On more than one occasion I have been told that I am an inspiration but recently I have found comfort and inspiration in others. I cannot help be in awe of the brave and courageous women who have recently wrote about what it is to be like to be a childless women in society. Those women who have found themselves childless by circumstance and not by choice. If you asked me how long it has taken me to write this blog post I would tell you it has been 10 years in the making. It has been a blog post that has been far too painful and far too difficult to write. I read an article once in a newspaper a few years back, the journalist was reporting on women in society who were childless by choice, he/she wrote at the end that you often hear of stories from women who have chosen not to have children but rarely from those who haven’t chosen to be childless and wondered why. Well I know why, it is because it is because it is so difficult to admit that you have failed at one of the most natural events in a woman’s life that you can experience. It is about acknowledging the excruciating pain that you feel every day in your existence, you can not ignore what is in black and white. From day to day you live and existence that is on a periphery of society observing a world that you are not part of no matter what you have tried to do to turn the situation around. Nobody prepares you for the alienation and social isolation that you feel, there are no books, no courses it is just something that you have to live with. As the years end and a new one starts you start with hope and positivity, wondering if this is the year that things will change but as the weeks and months turn in to another year you remain the same, congratulating those who reached your hearts desire with a heart writhing in pain and desperately wishing it could be your turn. You spend your days wondering when your pain will end and throw yourself into life, experiencing all you can in the hope that it will dull the pain and it might do for a while but it remains there in the background, there are always reminders of what is missing.
You spend your time wondering what you did wrong, didn’t do, wondering at what point did you make a wrong turn at what point did you choose this for yourself. I have spent the past 5 years searching for answers that never came it is just how it is and has hard as it is you have to come to a place of acceptance that it didn’t happen to you. It is a time to turn inwards, reflect and show yourself the upmost care and love, the kind of care and love that you would have shown to your child had you been given the opportunity.

One thought on “A childless mother

  1. Beautiful Andrea and so sad at the same time. Being one of your friends
    ( though not always making time for you) I feel your pain as well. Over the many years I’ve known you I’ve seen you get your hopes up and your heart get broken again and as you said another year passes, I feel that pain for you as a mother, knowing and wishing that you could experience what I have, and cherish the precious moments motherhood brings. Life is so cruel especially given that some mothers do not deserve the title given what they inflict on another person especially their own flesh and blood.
    My dear friend you deserve motherhood more than anyone I know. I pray and wish that someday soon this becomes a reality for you.

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