For the first time in ages I am writing this blog post in Word, because a) I reckon it is going to be a long one and b) I need to think about it a bit more than usual. There is a lot in my head and I am not sure how it is going to turn out once it is in print. It may be that there are a few blog posts here or it could be and as I slightly suspect a very long one.
Since my vasovagal syncope episode on the 22nd March I have not quite been feeling myself. I was really happy that day, very excited about what was to come over the next few weeks. I do not doubt my happiness and excitement on that day because I wrote about it in blog post titled, “Something wonderful is about to happen…..” In all honesty a lot of wonderful things have happened, there have been little achievements along the way or I have had really nice days, I am very lucky in lots of ways, but for some reason I just feel flat. Not so much today but I have been feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually tired. I feel I have lost my sparkle. It is not something new that I am experiencing I have had similar feelings before and I always do a little process of what I call, “going back to my basics.” This is usually where I have crashed and burned and I need to spend a little bit of time rebuilding myself. It usually involves doing all the things I love, looking after myself, cooking really good food, being creative, being outdoors in the garden (if it ever stops raining), at the garden centre, exercise, it usually works a treat, but this time around I am not feeling it. I did have a little light bulb moment last night when I wondered whether it was something deep rooted that needed healing but the question is what?
I can literally pin point where things started going a little awry it was on the afternoon of Friday 14th March. I was in a room by myself waiting to do some teaching and considering it had been a rather smooth, trouble free day things started to go a little wrong. Now I know it is only a small thing, but it is often the “straw that breaks the camels back”, but when I nipped out for lunch I noticed a little stall selling cakes for charity, I told the lady running it that I was just going to get a sandwich and would be back to buy a cake (or two). When I returned a short while later the cake stall had gone, I spent at least 10 minutes going from floor to floor trying to find the cake stall asking people if they knew where the stall had gone(that is how much I really wanted that cake). I gave up in the end and I had to return to the room I was teaching in without my cake and I know it sounds ridiculous but from that moment I felt a dark cloud arrive above my head and it has been there ever since.
Of course, the dark cloud has nothing to do with the trivia of not having a cake, it really was the straw that broke the camels back, but has everything to do with really wanting something with your heart and soul, with all your efforts and work that have gone into searching for something or working towards a goal has failed. It is about all the times you have listened to yourself, listened to others and despite all the signposts, clues and advice along the way the change or the thing you wanted to occur never happened. It is about your plans you had for the future not coming together, it is about your trust in life and the universe being broken, not just once but over and over again. I am tired. The easiest thing would be to give up but I am not a quitter and I would see it has an opportunity to see what could have been done differently or the possibility that a deep rooted issue needs attention and healing. It is time to get back to work, I just need the zest and the drive to do so.
Thank you for reading